Some of my favorite jokes collected from Dave's Daily Chuckle
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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one. "No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. "Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the young accountant in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good tome," said the first lady. But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed. "But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court. "Indeed," said wise King Solomon.
"That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
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My husband-to-be helped his aunt take the furniture of her boyfriend's home to a charity after the gentleman had passed away. She asked him if we still needed anything for our new life, and he told her that we had everything but a bedroom set. She graciously gave him the master bedroom set from the home.
The problem was that the poor man had died on the mattress, and I wanted to replace it with a new mattress, with my next paycheck. I really didn't want to sleep on a bed that someone had died in.
My mother-in-law-to-be heard the story. She urged me not to be silly and to use the perfectly good mattress instead of spending the money on a new one.
My mother-in-law-to-be soon came for an overnight visit.
The next morning she came out of her bedroom, and immediately asked me how I had slept, and I told her I had had a great night's sleep. She promptly reminded me of how I had foolishly wanted to buy a new mattress, and that I didn't appear to have suffered much sleeping on a bed that someone had died in.
I quickly answered that I had indeed bought a new mattress, and it was she that had slept on the poor man's mattress.
Have you ever seen people's faces turn different shades of "pale"?
-Submitted by: an ex in-law (can you blame me?)
Here are some real laws on the books in the U.S. that are just crazy.
In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."
In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.
In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.
In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.
In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.
In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Pennsylvania, "any motorist driving along a country road at night must stop every mile and send up a rocket signal, wait 10 minutes for the road to be cleared of livestock, and continue."
In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club."
An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Too many deer were hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" I said, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled and nodded knowingly, "That's why we ask."
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explain that it signals blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled "What on earth are blind people doing driving?"
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open." The young man answered, "I already got that side."
A group of young children were siting in a circle with their teacher. She was going around in turn asking them all questions.
"Davy, what noise does a cow make?"
"It goes moo, miss"
"Alice, what noise does a cat make?"
"It goes meow, miss"
"Jamie, what sound does a lamb make?"
"It goes baaa, miss"
"Jennifer, what sound does a mouse make?"
"Errr.., it goes.. click!"
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.
However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:
A man once counseled his son that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his corn flakes every morning.
The son did this religiously, and he lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"
"Tact is the ability to make other people feel at home.... when you wish they were."
Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage.
"Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? "Come on ova' here a minute." The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.
Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic,
"Try doing it with the engine running."
If your left hand doesn't know what your right hand is doing, you should consider getting a job in government.
- Unknown
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 15 tons."
--Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of
science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country
and talked with the best people, and I can assure you
that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
--The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?"
--Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of
IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
--Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital
Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
considered as a means of communication. The device is
inherently of no value to us,"
--Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who
would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
--David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings
for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to
earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible,"
--A Yale University management professor in response to Fred
Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.
(Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
--Harry M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development
across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have
to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable
condition of weight training."
--Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable"
problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and
find oil? You're crazy."
--Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his
project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
--Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
--Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole
Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
--Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction".
--Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut
from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon".
--Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-
Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873.
"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face
and not Gary Cooper,"
--Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research
reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and
chewy cookies like you make."
--Response to Debbie Fields' idea of starting her company,
Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
--Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."
--Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment.
The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
--Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives or
3-M "Post-It" Notepads.
"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing,
even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about
funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay
our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and
they said, 'Hey, we don't need you; you haven't got through
college yet.'"
--Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari
and HP interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action
and reaction and the need to have something better than a
vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic
knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
--1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
revolutionary rocket work.
Investigators at a major research institution have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium [Ad]. This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Because it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places.
In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass."
Don't worry, you'll know it when you see it!
To sharpen your mind...ponder the following:
There was a couple that went to a restaurant to have dinner. When the waiter came, the husband said: "I'd like to have the veal."
"And what about the mad cow?" asked the waiter.
"Oh yeah, she'll have the chicken."
1. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.
2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
3. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
4. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
5. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 11.
6. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
7. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
8. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
9. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
10. If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
11. You should not confuse your career with your life.
12. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
13. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
14. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
15. Your friends love you anyway.
16. Nobody cares if you dance well. Just get up and dance.
FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other.
One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen yrs. old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
An elderly man in Florida calls his son in New York. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you now, so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
He hangs up, and the son immediately calls his sister in the Hamptons and tells her the news. The> sister says, "I'll handle this!" She calls Florida and says to her father, "Don't do ANYTHING until we get there! We'll be there Wednesday night." The father agrees.
He hangs up the phone and hollers to his wife, "Okay they're coming for Thanksgiving. What you want me to tell them for Christmas?"
--This is not a Joke, but it is Funny!
Pick up your phone and call National Discount Brokers.
Their phone number is 1-800-888-3999.
Listen to all of their phone message options (pay attention to option number seven).
After you hear option #7, press 7 on your phone.
It is my humble opinion that EVERY company should have an option number seven!!
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Texas Edition Of Windows '2000 may have accidentally been shipped outside of Texas.
If you have one of the Texas Editions, you may need some help understanding the commands. The Texas Edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads "WINDERS '2000" with a background picture of the Alamo superimposed on the Texas Flag and it is shipped with a Leann Rimes screen saver.
Instead of an Error Message you get a Winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.
Also note Winders '2000 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.
Spell check has been deactivated.
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused you if you received a copy of the Texas Edition.
Micrasoft User Support Staff :-)
A man named Preet was sitting on his porch, when this fella walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand.
"What can I do for you?" Preet politely asked. "You selling something?"
"No, sir, I'm not. I'm a Census Taker."
"A what?"
"A Census Taker. We're trying to find out how many people are in the United States."
"You're wasting your time here. I have no idea."
A man is released from prison, and runs out the gates screaming, "I'M FREE! I'M FREE!"
A little girl standing nearby says to the man,
"I'm four."
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
From the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General walks slowly forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear. Instantly, the boy calms down, and sits quietly as his mother fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers are relieved and grateful; they smile and nod at the General with gestures of thanks as he slowly makes his way back to his seat.
One of the cabin attendants approaches the General. "Excuse me, Sir," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door, on any flight I choose."
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special, sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot -- "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the "Whoa, big fella. WHOA"
5. From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
6. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
7. From the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..."
8. Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Originally the country just north of us was spelt CND. A map maker from the Smithsonian went to Newfoundland to chart out the country.
He asked a local Newfie how they spelled the name of their country and he said "C" eh, "N" eh, "D" eh.
George W. Bush, was in an airport lobby, when noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm. George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses." The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?" The man continued to peruse the ceiling. George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes I am." George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!"
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: A 10 year old boy was standing the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another 10 year old boy about 100 yards beyond the radar trap with a sign reading
"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
You have just received the "Alabama Virus". As we ain't got no programming experience, this virus works on the honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive and manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list.
Thanks for your cooperation...
University of Alabama Computer Engineering Department
When the wealthy businessman choked on a fish bone at a restaurant, he was fortunate that a doctor was seated at a nearby table.
Springing up, the doctor skillfully removed the bone and saved his life.
As soon as the fellow had calmed himself and could talk again, he thanked the surgeon enthusiastically and offered to pay him for his services.
"Just name the fee," he croaked gratefully.
"Okay," replied the doctor. "How about half of what you'd have offered when the bone was still stuck in your throat?
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now, boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face." "Yes, sir," the boys said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "'Cause yer feet ain't empty."
A minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" And the minister says, "Just water." The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
Teenager (noun)
1) A mammal found extensively throughout the planet, often clustered in groups in front of television sets (See SLOTHS). Thought to be a member of Homo Sapiens due to physical similarities, though social and emotional behavior leads many researchers to consider Teenagers to be a completely different species altogether (See PARENTS). Very territorial. (See ITS MY ROOM STAY OUT OF MY ROOM.)
Teenagers are extraordinarily social animals, seeking contact with their peer groups to such a great extent they will forgo family, chores, food, and responsibility (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF).
The males of the species forage for food constantly (See MCDONALD'S) and can consume three times their weight every day. When in full plumage, the males are usually drab, marked by loose fitting garments which slide off their backsides and look ridiculous (See FATHERS, QUOTATIONS OF).
The females, on the other hand, sport striking colors under their eyes, throughout their hair, and on the tips of their fingers. Females often attract males by wearing garments to accentuate chest development (See WONDER BRAS).
The call of the female is complex and shrill: "Like, O m'Gosh! O m' Gosh!" Males are less vocal, signaling to other males with a salutatory "Yo. Yo. Yo. S'up? S'up? S'up?" Teenagers line their nests with discarded undergarments. The females hold telephone receivers to their ears an average of six hours a day. When challenged for possession, they snarl and warn intruders "I'm doing my HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK. My HOMEWORK."
The males lie immobile for hours at a time, conserving energy and listening to violent electronic signals from radios. Male Teenagers concentrate on important information (See FATHERS, LECTURES OF) by rolling their eyes, shrugging, kicking dirt and sighing.
Females burst into tears and slam doors. Many Homo Sapiens families have a host-to-parasite relationship with one (See STRESS) or more than one (See EXTREME STRESS) Teenager. These host families often develop a resistance to the parasite, rejecting them some time in the eighteenth year of life. Often, though, this rejection is merely theoretical, with the Teenager continuing to live off of the host Homo Sapiens family for many years afterward, often at great sacrifice (See COLLEGE).
2) Of, relating to, and especially EXPLAINING irrational, intolerable, or inexplicable behavior. ("She's a Teenager.")
3) A request for sympathy, offered by adult parents to each other in support. ("I have a Teenager at home.") Often accompanied by sighs, headshaking, tongue clucking, and shoulder shrugging.